he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
