I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
