I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Send help, water and tortillas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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