Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
