her vagine was all disorganized.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize