Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I wish I only lived at night.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
