My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and she was petting her beer can
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
