don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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