wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
