The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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