I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
