just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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