I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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