Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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