I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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