sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
