I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize