She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
