i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
