If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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