When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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