trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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