I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
