don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
