sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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