i permit you to call me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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