Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
