I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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