did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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