walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
