I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Randomize