First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
