We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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