saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
