hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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