I just threw up on my dentist
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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