You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think I just sharted jello shots
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
