I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
