Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
