I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
