I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
