And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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