Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Is Oprah even human
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
