Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
