I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
