they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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