why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
