everyone is single if you try hard enough
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
