if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
