I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
