did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
