There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
