Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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