Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
