Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
