i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
