i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
