she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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