I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My vagina is officially offended.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
