btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
