Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize