Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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