Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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