i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
