Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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