i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
