maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
