I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
